Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
You Might Also Like
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Yup.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat
JK it’s spam
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?