Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”

After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”

People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it

Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥

AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.

Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.

A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.

I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.

~ Why I was kicked off the debate team

it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong

I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.

At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”

My therapist:

mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight

me: for the cake

mob boss: what

me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me

mob boss: that’s not what I-

me: it’s my birthday

Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.

adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”

BOSS: Show the new guy around.

(Hours Later)

NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.

ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?

Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum

*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up

“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”

*eats 12 pancakes

Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.

I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.

Cop: And yet, here we are…

He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.

With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.

wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner

Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:

Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude

My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.

Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.

“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son

I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’

When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.

Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?

~me losing the war against gnats

Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.

How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.