Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You’re great in bed.”

— me, talking to my breakfast

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

BOSS: Can I see you in my office?

INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you

When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.

“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments

“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments

The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.

Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands

Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.

Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge

Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.

Hi, I joined a cult.

*got an air fryer

My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?

Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard

I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot

If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse

[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

wife: the turn was back there

me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much

wife: my name is karen

me: ughh this is different, karen

National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.

Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College

My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”

recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is

Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop

Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.

My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!

*hyperventilates*

*vomits*

Me: It’s for the dog.

8: Oh. Can I have a snack?

who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW

Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana

I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.

Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.