Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids

Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”

I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.

I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”

{concert}

lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC

interviewer: how would u describe yourself

me: unemployed

The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:

Sup

Hello dear

Thanks for the follow!

Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?

Elephant 911: What’s ur em-

Elephant: MOUSE

Elephant 911: WHERE

Elephant: FLOOR

Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE

[table breaking noises]

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family

You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.

“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime

I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me

harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ

meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat

My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession

#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,

it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.

I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.

When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?

“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.

This was a choice made.

Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”

Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”

i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.

When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.

Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.

Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend

The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.

Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away

[about to message girl he likes]

Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.

Brain: OR