Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
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I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
2024 me decided not to take today as a holiday.
2025 me is pissed off about it.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
they should invent a rest for the wicked
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.