Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work

Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.

Oh the things that I’d do* to that man

*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute

Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.

Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

*Arrives in Hell*

Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math

Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident

Negotiator: I need proof of life.

Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.

Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?

Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.

Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER

Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT

Dog: probably eat the cat LOL

Dog 911: LOL

Him: Take them off. All of them.

*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans

Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?

Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.

I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.

Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.

2024 me decided not to take today as a holiday.

2025 me is pissed off about it.

“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”

Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.

Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)

they should invent a rest for the wicked

“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”

I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.

Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?

Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.

Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.

Me: We will leave in a little bit

8: After you put your makeup on?

Me: I have my makeup on!

8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty

Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.

…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.

Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!

My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.

Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.

Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.