Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit

People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life

Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met

Professor whatshisname: get out

Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..

I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..

It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.

My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.

[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

Police officer: You get to make one phone call.

Me: Do I have to?

them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT

me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t

Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?

Me: I’m in morning

There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.

If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.

her: why are u breaking up with me

me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.

[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.

I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.

Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious

LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me

Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me

ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.

Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:

“Your teeth are illuminous.”

when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf

i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related

I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.

JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.

I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined