Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.

Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself

I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address

Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?

My favorite animal is fried chicken.

You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge

*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.

Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast

The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.

I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.

Tomorrow is open Mike night.

Him: A nap? Really?

Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.

Him:

Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.

Him: Guess they like pizza, too.

Me: What do you have against wolves?

Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?

Me: Um…

PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?

Me: My —

PS: Tummy tuck?

Me: (looking down)

PS: Breast augmentation?

Me: What’s wrong with my —

PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?

Me: (bursts into tears)

Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?

Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier

You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.

If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.

Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?

Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.

Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me

student: professor?

me: shit

I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.

CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah

[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy

[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it

how do y’all walk in shallow water

I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.

Allow me to slip into something more out the window.

I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.

idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah