me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
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“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.