Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
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Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Saw your ex at the shops
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
You learn something every day
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Did we do it, did we save the daylight
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.