Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
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If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.