Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words

Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.

my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard

If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

Amazon prime in the future:

Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow

Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?

Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.

Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.

Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.

Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.

An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.

me refusing to leave twitter

There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.

Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.

If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?

I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)

Me: What did you do at school today?

My kid: Nothing.

School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*

“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”

Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.

My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.

Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…

Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans

It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo

REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…

“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”

guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.

When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him

When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.