Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Worth remembering.

Spreads legs… Nope

Spreads two other legs …. Nope

Spreads two others …. Dammit, no

Spreads last two…. BINGO!!

– spider sex

I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.

No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.

Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion

The internet is undefeated.. 😂

we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow

There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.

Important question of the day:

Are centaurs technically insects?

They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…

I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.

girl: tough guys are hot

Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*

I have a gauntlet I just never use it

*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*

I love this

Me: I want ice cr-

Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy

God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?

Cat:

God:

Cat:

God: *creates dogs*

Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!

Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?

Him: Definitely! My place or yours?

Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11

To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.

Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…

Be there, will be wild!

“The Perfect Relationship”

There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.

me: I broke my leg, can anyone help

guy: I know what to do

me: oh thank goodness

guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses

me: k wait

That’s someone else’s problem.

-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write

I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”

I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.

PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band

ME: Ok

[later at gym]

ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*

Yaba daba do not resuscitate

i just found this in my phone

Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.

I needed a laugh this morning.

[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya

Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*

ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor

I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!