Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
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If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
The news is so predictable nowadays
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets