Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute

[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?

Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”

Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.

*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*

That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner

[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.

My boss called in sick of me

Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.

Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?

If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.

You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult

I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.

My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often

I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…

kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that

Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.

Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.

I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.

Poetry is my passion

“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.

Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.

(kids playing upstairs)

*loud crash*

Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*

You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.

[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have

7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!

Me: You’re exaggerating.

7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.

Okay, it might have been deep enough.

Seven wives and no alcohol?

No thanks Mormons.

Him: Sometimes I worry about you.

Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.

Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.

Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*