Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium

It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.

[on Ferris wheel]

ME: This is going great.

MY DATE: This is so weird.

UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.

The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.

Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.

Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.

We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly

Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang

Nobody invites me to spa day…

Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.

wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes

Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.

I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.

Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.

the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing

Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?

…and send

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.

Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…

Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!

Boss:

Me:

Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell

Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?

Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic

Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”

Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.

Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.

Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.

*Licking my plate clean

Girlfriend)You still have to wash that

Me)This house is a prison

Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby

Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner

think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.

me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt

bf: ur what

me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok

bf: the what

me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—

bf: wh—

me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy

fly smarter, not harder

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…