me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
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My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.