ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
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[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family