ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
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*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Bear knowledge
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.