Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?

Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.

Came out pretty well.

MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill

NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur

I’m going to clean *the house

*my glasses

Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.

me: ahh vacation

brain: time to relax

me: no work

brain: well it’s still there

me: stop

brain: just… waiting

me: please

brain: g r o w i n g

me: no

You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.

Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.

[playing checkers]

him: king me

me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate

People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars

Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions

I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.

Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room

my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life

The chicken coup is unlocked!

“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”

*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*

No, Snowball

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”

they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane

I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.

Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.

I have caller ID for the front door.

If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.

In case you needed to hear it:

The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen

The struggle is real

It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.

I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato

ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print