Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
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Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Oh my God.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
i overpaid one of my credit cards by $20, and now they keep tryna send me cheques and begging me to cash it cause now THEY owe ME interest. I don’t think so queen, let’s see how YOU like it
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon
Butt weight. There’s more!
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.