Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6yo: What is a solar eclipse?

Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?

6yo: yeah

Me: same idea

someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars

Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.

God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.

Angel: Like at 6 AM?

God: Earlier.

Angel: 5 AM?

God: EARLIER

My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!

I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.

When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.

*putting fish sticks in a bowl

Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it

I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.

Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.

By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.

the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer

My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”

Science memes

Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake

Let’s walk barefoot on grass!

-People who have never walked a dog

Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?

Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES

The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.

Happy Halloween!

INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:

1) Know when to hold em.

2) Know when to fold em.

3) Know when to walk away.

4) Know when to run.

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?

Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”

They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.

I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.

Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.

Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me

Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.

Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.

The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.

“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”

Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.

*in court

😔: your honor, this is fat shaming, everyone knows you have to be naked to get your most accurate weight!

😡: You were using the scale at the grocery store!