ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
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Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
fixed it
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”