Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.

doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink

HER: Whisper in my ear

ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”

When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute

(3 minutes into a hunger strike)

Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.

[first date]

-so how do you feel about octopus?

Her: I like em

-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]

First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…

Cop: You’re wanted for murder

Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?

Cop: What?

Me: Huh?

Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”

My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning

Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera

There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.

#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…

Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?

Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.

My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!

*cooks on front burner of the stove*

I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.

He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.

– E.T. (1982) PG

Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”

Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”

Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?

Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”

Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”

Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?

3-year-old: Babies are jerks.

Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP

When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.

My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*

My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.

Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.

Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol

Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.