Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.

them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?

me: marry a chiropractor

I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.

Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras

customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it

Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.

ME: how can i prepare for my date

FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids

ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet

waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again

Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

ME: *stands by the window*

ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot

Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”

“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”

The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.

Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.

I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI

Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.

Wife: Who?

Me: 😮

ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

ME: you haven’t even hired me yet

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?

The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.

Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids

If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns

I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.

“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.

Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”

Her: Says who?

Me: Sesame

Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.

Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????

The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds

“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR