Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
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me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Bros before Ohioes