Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
You Might Also Like
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Please vote for people who are attractive
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
The glockness monster
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
SONOFA
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad