Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults

You know something I’ve discovered?

This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.

It’s about the people you connect with.

Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up

Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes

it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this

My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.

Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.

[group therapy]

IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist

[others nod]

ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone

[screaming]

[Ian pukes]

The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.

Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?

“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”

-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie

Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”

Amazon Prime: can I take your order

Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg

Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no

Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol

Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job

left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird

Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again

Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.

The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need

I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.

Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently

judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?

me: I do

[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private

So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.

When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.

My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”

My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?

Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.