Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad

I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.

[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]

OMG a foot!

I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it

I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY

My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.

I see where she gets it from.

I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse

Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats

[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.

[in prison]

me: so u guys come here often?

Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate

Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.

Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.

rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month

Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

Me: *never blinks again*

You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’

Mantra at the gym:

When the zombies come, cardio will matter.

Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.

There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.

Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak

It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.

Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.

Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please

Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.

I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.

Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”

100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion