ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
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using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute