me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
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3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.