me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
You Might Also Like
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Cats (2019)
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Match dot com, but for socks.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later