@clichedout

me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is

her: ur welcome

me: it really means a lot

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@KrystiPryde

If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you

@abuya_henry

I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don’t know whose side I’m on.

@InternetHippo

AGE 18: There’s someone special out there for you!
AGE 28: You’ll find them one day!
AGE 38: It’ll happen!
DEAD: Just be patient!

@WorkingMom86

Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay

*goes to bed

@ddsmidt

The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.

She mouthed “thank you.”

Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.

@BlondeFacade

I sprayed Taylor Swift’s new perfume on me then started writing a five page letter to the boy who forgot to put a straw in my bag at Arby’s.

@Darchstar007

Wife: every time we argue, you think you’re right. Me: yes, because if I thought you were right, I wouldn’t be arguing…

@TheToddWilliams

[house party]

ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?

HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?

ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?