If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
You Might Also Like
I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don’t know whose side I’m on.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
AGE 18: There’s someone special out there for you!
AGE 28: You’ll find them one day!
AGE 38: It’ll happen!
DEAD: Just be patient!
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
*goes to bed
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
I sprayed Taylor Swift’s new perfume on me then started writing a five page letter to the boy who forgot to put a straw in my bag at Arby’s.
Wife: every time we argue, you think you’re right. Me: yes, because if I thought you were right, I wouldn’t be arguing…
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?