Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.

Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”

When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.

If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?

Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n

I can’t wait til I have hearing aids, so I can just turn them off when I’m tired of hearing everyone.

@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.

CEOs are in danger, we need to put all of them in a submarine until we know it’s safe

I feel like I have something to prove here.

Judge: That’s sort of how this works.

I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.

My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?

Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.

Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.

I’m not making that mistake again.

Gin: Wrong.

Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.

Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.

When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…

One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020

Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.

Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.

If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.

you have three unread messages

We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”

Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.

Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.

8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head

I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂

I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.

In marriage, there are two conversations:

The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.

“I’m not a fan.”

-air conditioner

“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.

I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”