Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic

ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–

SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.

ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?

“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds

Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby

Her: Head held high

Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby

Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.

my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…

I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.

It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.

Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great

“When god closes a door, he opens a window”

Murder Hornets: Awesome!

I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros

i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?

[at Victoria’s Secret]

*folding panties on table*

“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”

Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*

My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger

People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!

“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.

*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*

Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.

The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.

*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”

The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed

What’s white & falls from the sky?

“The coming of the Lord.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.

psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”

[after my funeral]

Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—

My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.

Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.

God: you’re a roly poly bug.

Roly Poly: what does that mean?

God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.

Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?

God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].

Roly Poly:

God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.