Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶

*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*

Him: Is that a new shampoo?

What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?

Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.

Me: but I’m infested.

Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter

oh, you’re in a situationship?

are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself

In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

I’d walk over cotton balls for you

Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.

Called it

me: congrats, when is the baby due

pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it

I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.

the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming

“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.

Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!

Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised

Me: *continues eating

online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”

I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will

remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*

getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy

I’ve been saving these cleavage crumbs just for you babe.

Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!

Me: Pretty good, yours?

Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?

Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?

“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”

Bartender: what’ll it be?

Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet

Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.

my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”

I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.

At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…