HIM: So how was your OMG did you just pull a hot sauce packet out of your bra
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
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My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Go to Target for shampoo. End up leaving with a blender, new pajamas, a couch, four kids and a car.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
The store keeps calling me to come back and buy more bedroom furniture, but all I really wanted was one night stand.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
I can’t imagine a better slogan for a glasses company than, “Buy our glasses if you ever want to see your children again.”