@MarfSalvador

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

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@EyeSeeYou619

[first date]
HIM: So how was your OMG did you just pull a hot sauce packet out of your bra

@GingerHotDish

My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.

@NoTheOtherJohn

ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE

@HopeUproar

Go to Target for shampoo. End up leaving with a blender, new pajamas, a couch, four kids and a car.

@thedad

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

@hiren_aajra

Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You

@BigMedwards

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

@omgthatspunny

The store keeps calling me to come back and buy more bedroom furniture, but all I really wanted was one night stand.

@MissSassy_Pants

Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.

Me: Yup!

Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.

Officiant: Do you take this man?

Me: I do!

@jordan_stratton

I can’t imagine a better slogan for a glasses company than, “Buy our glasses if you ever want to see your children again.”