me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

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New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:



Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.


Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound

*runs away*


The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.


Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.


[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]

[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]

me: do ya wanna…?

uber driver: no


[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen


My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.


met a woman in a bathroom line last night who told me she was a writer and I said I was one too and she was like “oh we’re that Spiderman meme” and then we both immediately, instinctively pointed fingers at each other and I’m still thinking about it


A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.