ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
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Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
and now we wait
