Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.

I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.

Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.

recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is

Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner

Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-

Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?

Wife: We’re going to have a baby!

Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?

Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human

My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us

Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..

That’s adulthood….

I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.

It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.

“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”

“That’s right.”

“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”

“Yes”

“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“

“—figgy pudding yeah.”

If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.

Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.

I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.

Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.

Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”

I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.

I call it the “escanow.”

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.

“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter

Dog: I didn’t do it.

Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.

Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.

🙀

I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.

Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.

A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.

Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded

MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.

Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.