Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
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(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
🤣
Said the murderer.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.