Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
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The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Thinking about that time when I was young and crank called an operator and she called me back because she was an operator.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.