Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”

Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.

A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.

On the way to school.

Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.

Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.

The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!

Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?

Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.

I know a horrible idea when I see it.

Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?

Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes

KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week

There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.

Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious

Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!

Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs

This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.

[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane

im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together

😁

I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.

I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.