me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
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Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
in the ocean
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”
~ now I’m scared
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.