Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.

*The fault in our Jars*

Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…

A Brit accepting a compliment:

“I like your coat”

“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”

“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”

-first rule of Sprite Club

I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.

Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me

I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.

My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office

I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.

Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.

Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.

If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”

There’s trash talk, then there’s this.

A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too

What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?

“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”

My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.

wife: the turn was back there

me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much

wife: my name is karen

me: ughh this is different, karen

The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.

Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.

*In church

9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…

Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep

9: oh

I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.

Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).

[poker night with the boys]

wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?

m: yes please, chips and beer

w: ok. winning?

m: all pants are off

w: you meant bets, right?

m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant

Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”

That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.

Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.

Confusing my 12 year old..

12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?

Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!

12: So???

Me: I don’t wanna get wet…

12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!

You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!

*watching an old Lassie show

Me: How come you can’t do those things?

Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.