Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]

Him: *spills drink*

Me: *starts twitching*

me: h—

bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in

Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”

me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth

*immediately takes 2nd bite*

Bring back the McRib

Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer

okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!

You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.

Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.

this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*

Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”

Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?

Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat

This is why you don’t eat at everybody house

settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.

I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.

As long as that distance is 300 miles.

“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”

“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.

I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.

I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.

The 9 levels of midwestern anger

9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”

“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory

#LunchPun #RateMyPun

“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC

I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.

Me: pew pew…pew pew pew

Guy at next urinal: Please stop

Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”

Math teacher; suppose you have five friends

Me:

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!

I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.