Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
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my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Every
Single
Year
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it