Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering

I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.

Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.

My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.

*pats belly*

Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?

Me: Yes. Nachos.

There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.

Me: I’m exhausted

Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today

One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”

“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky

I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy

Was it something I said?

no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I

My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?

NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR

Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.

“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level

“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next

I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.

I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle

[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.

I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.

I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t

Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?

Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.

Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.

Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer

Friend: Arsenal?

Me: No, just the front

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*

Me: What are you doing?!

3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.

[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf

I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.