Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
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Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia