Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.

I have chosen my priorities!

#studies #exams

[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day

Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!

CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home

[Mugshot photographer]

Me: now lets do a silly one

HIM: Are you mad at me?

ME: No.

HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.

ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.

Kentucky names the shit out of places

Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.

I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.

me: I’d like to work from home

hr: request deni—

m: but it’s government advice

hr: it’s simply imposs—

m: and these are dangerous times

hr: but you’re a train driver?

JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one

The key to a clean house is dim lighting.

man: wait

time: no

Me: kill me now!

Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you

After 35, your body ages in dog years

In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?

pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now

My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.

Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’

Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter

Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.

Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember

Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night

Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good

I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?

Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.

*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*

I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.