Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars

Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.

My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…

“Hold my rice cake”

therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin

her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say

He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?

She: Roger

He: Does he bite?

She: No

He: How does he eat then?

King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again

King (drunk af): let the horses try

7: [eating a bunch]

me:

7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.

me: that’s a good way to put it.

me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made

him: oh no, did you overreact-

me: no, I just threw them out

him: oh

me: then I ate the tacos

him:

How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.

My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story

Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree

Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home

Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.

I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic

I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.

[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me*

*Prius spins out of control*

Thug life.

Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs

AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief

[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]

the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah

Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.

Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.

I need a ride home.

An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!

dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk

Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question

Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …

Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with

Anyone: hey girl

Me: 😠

Anyone: excuse me ma’am

Me: 😡

Anyone: yo mister

Me: 😡😡😡

Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.

I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.

If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.

Coach: Ice cream! My treat

Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?

Coach: My treat

Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.