Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]

Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM

I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.

Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it

I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on

ME: Whatcha doin?

WIFE: Watchin Dune.

ME: I asked you first, Sharon.

If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.

[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]

ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.

[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?

According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.

dog 911: what’s ur emergency?

dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE

dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?

dog: [whimpering]

dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass

What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead

You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.

Want followers? Tweet something funny.

Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.

Can’t say anything honest or funny?

Try Facebook.

So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.

I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.

Ate.

A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own

I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.

Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.

I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer

I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth

Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.

Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”

The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.

When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.

If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised

“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys

[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.