me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
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I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Them: why are you wearing fashion magazines?
Me: they’re articles of clothing
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules