Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

who called them poets and not rhyme machines?

How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?

An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.

i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time

Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…

Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.

i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.

He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.

Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.

May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job

I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.

DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser

If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days

Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,

Come back to me.

The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.

Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.

According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”

Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.

(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.

Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re

S: Oh ffs!

Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!

Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.

Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?

Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded

If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?

On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.

Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.

Hmmmmm

People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time

School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?