me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
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You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Christmas bonus so small you have to call your bank and ask “is it in yet?”
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Same pineapple, same
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?