me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
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Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.
Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.