Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why the hell wooden I be?”

– Pinocchio

The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station

My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x

[first day of quidditch practice]

Remember kids, witches get snitches.

“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”

Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.

*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience

*tries to turn on TV*

TV: I have a boyfriend

So, when does this adulthood thing start then?

“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman

I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich

I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.

I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.

brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died

Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB

Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart

Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news

Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*

Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.

Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]

My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.

I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.

Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no

[To Police Sketch Artist]

Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”

Sketch Artist:…

Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”

BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU

ME: [wakes up] finally

BOOGEYMAN: what?

ME: let’s do this

BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it

ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour

BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]

A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.

My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.

I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.