Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
You Might Also Like
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
𝗦𝗵𝗼𝗿𝘁 𝗽𝗼𝗲𝗺𝘀 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝗻 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱𝘀
so imagine
a thousand
bad
stanzas
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
The word Ohio looks like a tractor
Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Anyone really
2022 will be better than 2021