Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.

DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M

ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters

Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.

This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral

[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too

“Don’t ask.”

– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask

I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…

“WTF?”

“Seriously?”

“How could you?”

“Oh, man!”

“I’m right here.”

-my dog watching me throw food in the trash

Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie

Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.

This is my cat’s medicine.

One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50

A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.

Me: I’m not delusional.

Squirrel: There she goes again.

[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem

My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.

my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…

That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.

my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕

“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force

I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.

6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.

4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!

Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.

Government Shutdown: Day 13

Anthony Weiner decides to help.

He takes a photo.

He tweets.

Congress now sees where balls are located.

I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.

Torturer: just tell me what I need know

Me: NEVER

Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*

Me: OKAY I’ll talk

I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.