Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
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Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Whoa 😂
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.