Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.

I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.

Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?

Wife: Yes

Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards

Wife:

Me: *crying* I get it now, babe

Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.

When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.

my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.

#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.

My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday

doctor: we had to remove your appendix

JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves

Justify your alcoholism by having children.

what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.

Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’

Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead

If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.

As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.

Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.

would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”

welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA

PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet

[i look out the window]

[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]

I wish gyms had a “montage” option

Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.

Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?

E1: Lol, “amusement park.”

If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”

My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.

interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k

me: *gets up* ok see you then

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands

This 4th of July, please remember…

My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves

My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again

Me, crying: yes

My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again

Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes