Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.
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How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
dril cadence
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Commits all the murders so I can be most wanted by somebody.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.