Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: I got stabbed!!!

Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?

I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*

Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.

15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.

The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.

You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.

If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.

Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.

4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled

I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!

(There is no school this week)

*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*

Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.

Depth Metal

Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust

Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away

sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”

Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy

Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.

Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:

-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.

I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”

Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.

My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.

*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*

[2 seconds later]

Shit I need a paper clip

[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse

Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time

Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges

Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.

If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.

3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving

Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.

3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”

😬

Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed. 

Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!