Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.
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My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct
We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars