Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.

*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*

Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance

We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.

Executioner: last meal?

Me: I want to eat the electric chair

Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that

I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.

My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor

“I really can’t stay“

Baby, it’s cold outside

“My Uber’s on its way”

Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around

I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.

What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision

If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.

Dear commercial,

If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.

i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it

*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*

Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.

#Caturday

INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body

Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn

*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*

one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet

A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.

‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.

I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.

“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”

Me: Please finish your drink

4: Don’t say it like that!

Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you

4: Okay

Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.

Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!

Cat: I just want to be friends.

Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?