Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.

Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?

You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now

Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.

*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: hi grayfish

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: u said that already

GOLDFISH: said what

My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.

All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.

There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.

Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings

Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.

all that yoga finally paid off

When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear

Cop: Can I see some ID?

Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]

Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge

I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.

Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?

4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.

Me:

4:

Me: Well, obviously.

math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass

me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?

math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit

me:

math teacher:

me: i don’t- is that going to be enough

I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.

Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.

told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something

Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment

When my kids ask me anything before coffee

me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre

Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake

My nose won’t stop running.

But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.

barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.

I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.

I don’t have read receipts on my phone because why would I tell on myself like that?

Amazon is approved for drone delivery…

Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.