Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
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me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit