Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”

Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:

A thread.

“jogging gives me endorphins”

so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.

Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!

Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.

husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes

What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?

Expensive Petroleum.

Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…

…speaking for my kids, this checks out.

I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”

2.5 hrs later, credits…

Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?

[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please

“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named

friend: let’s meet up soon

me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though

Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.

Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?

You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom

The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.

Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)

I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.

This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.

waiter: wine?

date: I don’t drink

waiter: water?

me: she said she doesn’t drink pal

I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.

son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”

I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.

Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.

There’s always that one guy

Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.

Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.

If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.

no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!

My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.

So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!

The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.