Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning

This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.

Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.

My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up

Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.

As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.

Me: What are you doing?

Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.

Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.

Wife:

Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.

My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you

When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.

[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]

all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER

GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn

thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair

It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before

When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.

He wanted to make sure😂

Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.

The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.

5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.

5:22am: Oh good.

Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.

. ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?

She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time

pirate: shiver me timbers

me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*

DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?

ME: it’s a tip

DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight

ME: *hands him $20 bill*

Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions

Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes

So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?

Traded my Fitbit in for a Sitbit

I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questions

I’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management

Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat