Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?

me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT

When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂

dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”

♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫

Can’t talk, competitively eating

*sharing nachos with my 17yo son

“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”

Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.

Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”

I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.

My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.

I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.

Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed

I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.

Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.

If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.

My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.

Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.

But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.

convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.

Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊

Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.

Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.

Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.

In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit

Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one

My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅

“That’s what” – She

[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly