me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
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Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.