Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
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*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
2024 has been a rough few years
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
this one is dumb but worth the zoom-in, i swear
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume