Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
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Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.