Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not

[aliens arrive]

people: *screaming crying hiding*

me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*

Me: This milk tastes funny

Lactating clown: Thank you

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

You’re an adult. You can do what you want.

Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.

🐥🐣

“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”

My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair

The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.

My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.

Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold

I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”

Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is

Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere

Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes

good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast

Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?

My date: [to waiter] Check, please.

I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”

[Flat-earth expedition log]

Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.

Kill it with fire!

*douses it in hot sauce*

I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”

I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.

-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.

Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*

(On a date)

Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.

Me: haha yeah that was a good call…

*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*

my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all

If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.

Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.

911, what’s your emergency?

Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand

Are you left handed?

No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button

Okay but why are you whispering?

I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel

[before calculus was invented]

me: I understand everything

Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.

5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March