Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
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Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Twitter is fun because you can tweet about hashbrowns and someone will say you are responsible for genocide.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Ever wonder how many cap fulls of ZzzQuil would it take for you to wake up spooning an inflatable Snowman 2 blocks away ….. well it’s 3
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”