If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
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His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
hi and welcome to hidden chair club. please find your seat
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Give a man a fish, he can eat for a day. Give a man another fish, “Hey man where’s that fish I gave you Monday? YOU ATE IT?! IT WAS A PET!!”
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!