Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
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Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.