@ArfMeasures

Me: That is a dank whale

Date: That’s a killer whale

Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce

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@2tickytacky

If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.

@myonlymizztake

His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”

@leifromloihi

[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators

@bylinetd

My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.

So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.

@OllyiConic

no one:

contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad

@sixfootcandy

Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

@JediGigi

1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]

Him: *spills drink*

Me: *starts twitching*

@FeelingMervis

Give a man a fish, he can eat for a day. Give a man another fish, “Hey man where’s that fish I gave you Monday? YOU ATE IT?! IT WAS A PET!!”

@itrevormoore

I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!