Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
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I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Ah..makes sense now
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Cucumbers Anonymous
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
You’re the water to my grease fire.
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.