@2tickytacky
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
@ArfMeasures
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
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@2tickytacky
@myonlymizztake
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
@hippieswordfish
hi and welcome to hidden chair club. please find your seat
@leifromloihi
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
@bylinetd
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
@OllyiConic
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
@sixfootcandy
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
@JediGigi
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
@FeelingMervis
Give a man a fish, he can eat for a day. Give a man another fish, “Hey man where’s that fish I gave you Monday? YOU ATE IT?! IT WAS A PET!!”
@itrevormoore
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!