Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
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*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.