Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
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My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
I’m just playing devils avocado here
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?